Disclaimer: pointless shit ahead.
My life is not okay, but I am neither happy nor sad. Not so content, yet not dissatisfied. Moving by the power of inertia, just going with it. Not fighting back, not taking control. Not even moving. Nothing. Naturally I started thinking when my breakdown will happen. I mean, not every numb person is destined to have an emotional breakdown, but being the melancholic bitch that I am, I knew it was bound to happen soon. I'm incapable of disregarding shit for long and that is something I'm sure of.
Don't expect an extra dramatic climax where I break a mirror and cut the insides of my wrists using the shattered pieces of glass. No. I am more of a consumes-massive-amounts-of-fries-at-4 am kind of person when things get ugly. but bear with me anyways.
I was in my room sprawled across the bed with my headphones on, the usual. When the shuffle of my music player started playing a remix of John legend's song 'All of me.' It was not really a remix, they just added flawlessly played violin in all the right places. I never really paid attention to that song, it was the kind of gay tune- and by gay I mean happy- but the sweet sound of the violin kind of made it hard not to listen. John Legend was screaming his lungs about his lover and how she was his muse and other cute crap then BAM I was in tears. I was crying like a madwoman and saying 'I just want to be happy.' I didn't know what was happening and I definitely didn't expect my breakdown to be triggered by a John Legend song. Who knows? Maybe it was the violin!
I didn't cry since my dad passed away and the fact that I was screaming about being happy lingered a while. It hit me that I am not as fine or numb as I thought I was. The way I'm living my life is slowly drowning me. I detest being alone. I'm consumed by being irrelevant. I'm not productive. I'm turning into a zombie. I loathe being whiny and boring. I am definitely no one's 'rhythm and blues' and no one wants me to give them 'All of me.'
My problems seem petty, I know. But my constant blues isn't. Not looking forward to anything is not a walk in the park. Not having anyone to express your fears to is sad. Being alone most of the time is awful. Not reaching your full potential is destructive. Living in a city where you can't be yourself is maddening. Walking in my shoes is painful.
I don’t know why I'm writing this or where I'm going with it. I just thought writing about my first breakdown in two years would help me deal with it or at least understand it.
I don’t know.
My life is not okay, but I am neither happy nor sad. Not so content, yet not dissatisfied. Moving by the power of inertia, just going with it. Not fighting back, not taking control. Not even moving. Nothing. Naturally I started thinking when my breakdown will happen. I mean, not every numb person is destined to have an emotional breakdown, but being the melancholic bitch that I am, I knew it was bound to happen soon. I'm incapable of disregarding shit for long and that is something I'm sure of.
Don't expect an extra dramatic climax where I break a mirror and cut the insides of my wrists using the shattered pieces of glass. No. I am more of a consumes-massive-amounts-of-fries-at-4 am kind of person when things get ugly. but bear with me anyways.
I was in my room sprawled across the bed with my headphones on, the usual. When the shuffle of my music player started playing a remix of John legend's song 'All of me.' It was not really a remix, they just added flawlessly played violin in all the right places. I never really paid attention to that song, it was the kind of gay tune- and by gay I mean happy- but the sweet sound of the violin kind of made it hard not to listen. John Legend was screaming his lungs about his lover and how she was his muse and other cute crap then BAM I was in tears. I was crying like a madwoman and saying 'I just want to be happy.' I didn't know what was happening and I definitely didn't expect my breakdown to be triggered by a John Legend song. Who knows? Maybe it was the violin!
I didn't cry since my dad passed away and the fact that I was screaming about being happy lingered a while. It hit me that I am not as fine or numb as I thought I was. The way I'm living my life is slowly drowning me. I detest being alone. I'm consumed by being irrelevant. I'm not productive. I'm turning into a zombie. I loathe being whiny and boring. I am definitely no one's 'rhythm and blues' and no one wants me to give them 'All of me.'
My problems seem petty, I know. But my constant blues isn't. Not looking forward to anything is not a walk in the park. Not having anyone to express your fears to is sad. Being alone most of the time is awful. Not reaching your full potential is destructive. Living in a city where you can't be yourself is maddening. Walking in my shoes is painful.
I don’t know why I'm writing this or where I'm going with it. I just thought writing about my first breakdown in two years would help me deal with it or at least understand it.
I don’t know.
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